Don’t Take it Personally

With the widespread use of the internet, many great advances have occurred particularly in the dispersal of knowledge.  We have more information at our fingertips than ever.  This has also created a situation where people are interacting with their devices more and with people less and this has worsened one particular behavior, the criticism and attacking of people online.

Until the advent of the internet, if you wanted to criticize or verbally attack someone, you had to do it in person or via the telephone.  This meant that you had to physically address the person and they could defend themselves.  You could also write a “poison pen” letter with offensive language if you wanted, but that would take longer, and you could never be sure if the person got the letter and what their reaction was.  Most people did it in person or on the phone.  This in-person aspect also meant that it was nowhere near as frequent as it could be because people feared the repercussions of confronting someone.

With the creation of online forums, chatrooms, rating services and email, the instances of personal attacks and criticism increased exponentially as people could create anonymous accounts online and write terrible things online or send them to people with no consequences at all.

Now, it is very easy to tell people to not take it personally, but in reality, it can be difficult to read or hear terrible things about yourself.  One way to cope with this is to remember that the person saying or writing those things probably does not actually know you personally.  Often, they are lashing out as a cry for attention or more importantly a cry for help.  Unless you are a terrible person, and what they say it true, then it is very likely that they are trying to get a reaction from people for that attention.

Add to this the fact that they spent their time thinking about and then writing that bad review, nasty email or hurtful comment on a website.  That thought alone is saddening.  Even if it only took a few minutes, they expended effort on it instead of doing something more constructive.

“What other people think of you is none of your business.”

                                -Anonymous

Taken from that perspective, suddenly the criticism seems less hurtful and more of a heartbreaking commentary on the writer.  When you think of it in that context, their opinion becomes irrelevant, and it is much easier to not take it personally.  It is also helpful to remember that to “forgive and forget” is for your benefit not theirs.  Eventually you will get past it, regardless of their opinions of you.

Now what if you have received a product or service that was not what you paid for and expected.  If you are going to let them know, and you should if you did not receive what was agreed to, then being rational and logical will get you much further than attacking the person you are speaking to.  The odds are that the person you are speaking to about the issue did not cause it and certainly does not appreciate aggressive language on the subject.  If you are nice, but firm with them, they actually may be able to fix the issue for you.  This happens quite often.  Even if they DID cause the issue, aggression is unlikely to work but getting them to see your point of view might.

Naturally, there may be times when you do not get satisfaction and have to raise the issue to a higher authority, but hopefully those are few and far between if you approach situations with calm.

If you or your firm has a complaint from a customer, one of the best things you can do is immediately apologize.  It is always so amazing that in many large companies, complaints are given the “hot potato” treatment and pushed along from one person to another, further aggravating the client.  If you immediately apologize to the client, even if it turns out that they were wrong, often they will be much more rational and understanding. 

Over the years, after I have apologized on the behalf of a company, I have had multiple clients say to me: “That’s OK, you didn’t do anything.”  If you empathetically listen to them, they will be much more willing to listen to and work with you to resolve the issue.

The last thing you want to do as a regular practice, is to treat everyone well, particularly if they cannot do anything to you.  Tipping a server in a restaurant well at the end of the meal for good service does not get you anything other than the thanks of the server, but it is a good practice and will make them a little happier than if you left a small tip. 

The same goes with thanking people, even if they cannot or didn’t help you.  If you did not get the job, or the promotion for example, you should still thank the people that considered you because it is the right thing to do.  It only takes a moment to thank someone, but it can make a lasting impression on them and on you.